Fiona, What's It All About?

The last time I posted, I had moved into my home in Mill Valley, CA. I have not a single regret in doing that except for missing my dear friends in Tahoe. It’s been another 15 months of my life and so much has transpired. Fifteen months that have gone by way too fast! I was rebuilding my life here, making new friends and getting re-acquainted with “old” friends, re-engaging in my professional life in new ways and loving every minute of living in this charming town while commuting to Sonoma three days a week for work (who can complain!). Over the past couple of years, I have traveled extensively; I have spent meaningful time with my family; I have loved and lost; I had discovered a soulful independence and inner happiness.

For over a year, I had dreamed of taking a fabulous journey to sail the islands of Greece for my Big Birthday and worked to make that happen. What started out as a dream turned into the worst nightmare of my life (so far). While enjoying a casual stroll along the Aegean Sea on a beautiful sunny day on the island of Milos after a lovely lunch, I slipped and broke my knee. (Unfortunately, I was strolling on a concrete path and not the sand.). I was only 5 days into a 3 1/2- week journey. My squeamishness prevents me from sharing the details of that awful accident, but suffice it to say that I still suffer PTSD from that moment. I cannot recall the memories of that story without breaking out in tears. Even as I write this, I have to choke back the trauma. The last two months have been the most painful experience I have ever endured. Every day for two months, I have lived with more pain and discomfort than I could have imagined, but it is getting better with each passing day. There is light at the end of this very long, dark tunnel. Now, I cry more from each success, regardless of how minor, rather than the pain that was holding me back.

Sunrise on the Aegean Sea

One of the biggest and more valuable gifts from this experience has been the release of SO MUCH pain. I have cried (sobbed) almost every day from the depths of my soul and sometimes it’s hard to explain way. Just a simple thought can make me cry and I am one who almost NEVER cried. I have cried so much that there is not an ounce of pain left in my psyche. It’s as if all the pain from my past has been wiped clean. However, it has left me depleted and wondering what is next. I wonder if this is what it means to be reborn. I can tell you it is exhausting!

Another valuable gift from this experience is having so much time to reflect — why did this happen, why now, what am I supposed to learn, why so much pain and where is it coming from, why is it so hard for me to accept help, who am I, who do I want to be, what will life look like now, will I ever be “normal” again? It’s hard to imagine my activities being back to “normal” when I can only barely get my knee to bend in a full-sitting position and that’s with some of effort and discomfort.

Now that I have had no choice but to slow down, I feel like I am an observer of my life rather than a voyageur in my life. I feel “old” or, perhaps, I simply feel my age now. Lost is my youthful spirit and sense of adventure. I wonder if that means I’ve matured. I wonder if I’ll be wiser now, LoL. I do have a lot less anxiety about anything and am so much calmer. In some strange way, I am at peace, yet soulfully sad. I wonder if all this is simply exhaustion.

I do realize that my life is not “over, but it will be different and it will take at least a year from now, if I’m lucky, to be “normal” again — a new normal. I grieve for my past life as I prepare for the new one. One thing I’ve really learned is to take one day at a time not knowing what tomorrow will bring. It’s amazing how much gratitude I have for even the smallest progress that I make in a single day, then, I sob. I also have immense gratitude for my family and friends who have been so supportive to me during this difficult time. It was a huge lesson for me to be so dependent on others when something as simple as going to the bathroom was beyond my reach alone.

I’m beyond that level of dependency now. I can even take a shower safely by myself now as long as I have all the logistics planned ahead. I am still in a knee brace for another week or two. I can walk without crutches but not without the brace to immobilize my knee. I can give advanced lessons on everything one needs to know about living with a knee brace, yikes! Jesting aside, the brace is my security blanket at the moment. I know I will be afraid (terrified) to take my first few steps without wearing the brace when that time comes (and, I’m crying already!). However, for now, the brace gives me stability and confidence to move around my house freely, even the stairs. I still can’t drive and I don’t venture outside much by myself. I wonder how long it will be before I have the confidence again for adventures. I’m starting to see that my greatest challenge from this point on is overcoming the fear of not repeating my accident. That might take a while and a lot of patience. Is that my lesson from all this, patience? That has never been my strong suit, but something I’m having to practice every day. Patience with my progress, patience with myself. I’m also learning that patience equates to love and compassion.

As they say, “this too shall pass” and it will. I have so much else in my life for which to be grateful (’tis the season!). It’s time for a paradigm shift.

Wishing you many blessings into the holiday season!

My sister got this birthday cake for me. Love you, Sis!

After spending 17 months living on the road like a modern gypsy, I have finally found my home. I’m not too surprised with where I have landed. In my heart, I always knew, but it didn’t make practical sense so I discounted it in my mind. For that reason, I needed to be sure before I made a commitment to settling here. Having tested so many places, I confirmed this is the place I want to be. And, once I made the decision about the location, the universe almost instantly showed me my dream home (thanks to a bit of help from my sister!). I told my sister specifically where I wanted to live and within just a few days she sent me a link to a townhome in Mill Valley, CA and said “you must go see this place, it’s totally you!” She did this from across the country, in Connecticut, not knowing anything about the village. It helps that she is an interior designer so she could see all the possibilities for the space. She spent the past week with me designing the interior of my new home for the new me and my new life. We started from scratch since I got rid of most of my furnishings when I left my home in Tahoe and the remnants no longer fit my new lifestyle. She admitted that she had no idea about my modern tastes. It is a whole new look for me!

My townhome is located two blocks from the center of the village so I can walk to coffee shops, great restaurants, boutiques, the local grocery market and even theaters. Hiking and biking trails are also nearby. It is a vibrant village with a strong sense of local community. There is easy access to the freeway and getting into the city by ferry. I’m excited about engaging in the community activities and all the village has to offer. I’m also looking forward to getting back into some daily/weekly routines, like exercise.

Today, I stocked my adorable galley-style kitchen so I could get back to cooking my own meals. I have really missed having my own kitchen; and, what a relief to be able to put my clothes in a closet knowing they have found a home as well! It took a while, but eating out a lot and living out of several suitcases became tiresome.

My new home has two bedrooms, so friends and family are welcome anytime! However, it will be a number of weeks before all my furniture arrives. For the time being, I basically have a bed and a kitchen. Minimalistic is an understatement, LOL!

Even though Mill Valley, CA will now be my home base, I am fortunate to have a reason to continue “commuting” to Nevada to spend time with my work team in Reno and I plan to stay in Incline Village whenever I can to see my friends there. The hardest part of making my decision to return to CA was knowing I would be leaving my friends in Incline Village. My friends there have been such a blessing to me and I will do what I can to maintain those relationships!

So, this part of my journey is over, but a new one is beginning….

Sisters! Check-out my sister’s Instagram to see her beautiful design work: Teresa Fortuna — @simplicitydesignct

Oh my, it’s hard to believe how many months have gone by since I wrote. I’m not sure why I have been avoiding it, since I do love to write. Perhaps I got bored with myself!

This is the volcano that erupted while I was there and was in the news!

I spent three glorious months in Hawaii and it was one of the happiest times in my life, short of giving birth to my son! Hawaii was transformational for me in a way I couldn’t have imagined and what I realized is because all the time I was there, I lived fully in the present moment. I had no past and no future while I was there. I simply had each day as it came and went. I saw some of the most spectacular sunrises and sunsets and I listened to the waves crashing on the shoreline as I worked. I loved just the thought of being on an island in the middle of the ocean, finding it to be quite soothing. I spent time on four islands — Oahu, Kauai, Maui and Hawaii. I saw whales and dolphins close-up, swam with giant sea turtles, tried scuba diving, walked along the edge of an active volcano, saw Hawaii from a helicopter, went hiking and exploring. I lived every day in shorts and tank top — it was heaven! Somehow, my grief from the past few years simply melted away into a distant memory. So much so, that I was fearful of returning to the mainland. But, I did return at the end of January and the reality of life began again.

My final sunset in Hawaii.

Upon my return, I spent time in Reno and Marin catching up with my work colleagues and friends, then, I spent 5 days on a spiritual retreat at Mt Madonna in the mountains outside of Santa Cruz, CA. At the end of March, I traveled to Switzerland where I spent a week in the Alps with friends and a long weekend at Lake Garda, Italy. Both places were stunning. Switzerland had not been on my bucket list to see, but I am so glad I went! Being at the top of the Swiss Alps is absolutely amazing! It’s incredibly vast and pristine, peaceful. It’s like being on a totally different planet. Lake Garda is where local Europeans go to get out of the summer heat. We were there early in the season, but it was beautiful, nonetheless. My favorite village on the lake was Lazise which is a very old walled Roman city. Inside the walls are quaint boutiques and restaurants along cobble-stoned streets on the shore of the lake surrounded by the Italian Alps. It’s just like out of a travel magazine.

Swiss Alps — on top of the world!

Lake Garda, Italy

Shortly upon returning from Europe, I embarked on a 6-week travel tour across the U.S. I spent several weeks in El Paso, Tx with my family to celebrate my mom’s 80th birthday. I wanted to spend extended time there to see if I could realistically consider living there longer-term, at least temporarily, given my mom’s aging. A part of me wished I could be closer so I could be more helpful to her and her husband. However, try as I might, I could not convince myself that I would be happy living there. I would be miserable there as much as I enjoy spending time with my family. It is too desolate an area for me and so drenched in fear — walled yards and barred windows, people proud to be carrying guns, guard dogs at many houses. I had to think twice about whether it was safe for me to take evening walks by myself even though I think I stayed in a relatively safe neighborhood. It’s a way of life there that you should always be looking over shoulder and can’t trust anyone. I don’t want to live like that. I am truly grateful that I had several weeks to spend with my family, which I did pretty much every night. I rented a house large enough for my son and my sister to stay with me for a short time and it had a fabulous kitchen where we had family dinners almost every night.

After making a brief pitstop in Minnesota, I traveled on to the East coast where I spent several weeks including New York for business, Connecticut to visit my sister and Philadelphia for business. It’s great to be traveling for business again, making new connections and re-connecting with “old” colleagues.

I returned to the Bay Area in mid-May for a week, then to Incline Village for a week before driving to Boise, ID to attend my future daughter-in-law’s bridal shower. I have been in Boise for a week and leave here to spend two weeks in Sun Valley for my son’s wedding in mid-June.

Then what? Well, I believe my journeys are coming to an end as, I think, I have exhausted my lust for globetrotting incessantly. I find myself seriously considering having my own home and settling down. I miss having a closet to hang my clothes, LoL!I Mostly, I miss having a routine and being connected to my own community. It’s funny because I never wanted to own my own home, always had an aversion to the responsibility of owning a house but, now, I find that thought more appealing than renting. Could it be that the impermanence of all my traveling has ignited a desire to actually have something that is mine? All this time, I have been living in other people’s spaces, which I haven’t minded, yet now I yearn to have a place that I can truly make my own.

I’ve spent the past couple of months traveling back and forth between Northern CA and Northern NV spending time in my two office locations. Circumstances warranted that I spend time with each of my teams in these locations making me realize that I need to “settle” in this geographic area for work purposes. I had planned to be on the East coast Sept-Oct enjoying the fall colors and spending time with my sisters, but duty called. Not bad duty, so I’m not complaining. After all, there are worse places to be forced to spend time.

I’ve used this opportunity to further explore where specifically I might want to put down some roots. I really enjoy spending time in Marin County, a bit further from the Bay to avoid some of the chilling fog. I recently stayed in Mill Valley, a short distance from the downtown proper and loved it with all it’s charming shops, a favorite coffee shop and delicious restaurants. I’ve learned that I want to be close enough to a town so that I can walk there and enjoy these types of amenities.

As on offset to Marin, I’ve been staying at lake level in Incline Village and realized how much I have missed my community here; and, living at lake level is quite different than living at the top of the mountain where I lived before. Again, I can easily walk to much of what the town of Incline has to offer. I have enjoyed reconnecting with my friends here; and, with my office being in Reno, I have a reason to get into the city regularly. The commute from Incline to Reno is a beautiful one through the Mt Rose pass.

I haven’t decided whether I will look for a “permanent” home but, then, I told myself I wouldn’t make that decision for at least a year and I’m holding myself to that. However, I am seriously considering Incline to be my “home base”. As much as I have enjoyed the freedom of moving from one place to another, I’ve learned that the downside of that lifestyle is that it’s difficult to maintain friendships and stick to a daily routine of exercise, etc. I haven’t figured out (yet) how to merge structure/routine with the gypsy life.

What are some of the significant things I’ve learned from being on this journey?

I ended up having to cut short my stay in rural Wisconsin due to some changes at work that compelled me to return to the west coast. Did you know that wine-making is becoming a thing in rural Wisconsin? Who would have thought, huh? Some farmers are converting their farms to growing crops for distilling spirits. I was intrigued to learn (and taste) wines that are made from apples and rhubarb in addition to cold-climate grapes. My favorite among them was the rhubarb rose. Napa, watch out!

I arrived in northern CA on July 10 and have been alternating my visits been my Reno office and our Petaluma office ever since. Work has been extremely demanding lately which has diminished my time to spend with friends while I’ve been in both places. By the end of my work days, I’m pretty exhausted.

I stayed in a new area in Reno across the street from Idlewild Park and really enjoyed my stay there. The park is located along the Truckee River and has a lovely walking/biking trail with an abundance of old growth trees. The apartment I rented was on the second floor overlooking the high school football field with a view of the Sierra mountains as a backdrop. It is becoming more and more apparent to me that I need to live where I can see trees and flowers with regularity and where I can easily take long walks.

Currently, I’m staying in a one-bedroom guest house in Sonoma, CA. I have discovered that I do not mind the extreme, dry heat of Reno or this part of CA, especially since the evenings and mornings are cool. It is hard for me to see, though, how incredibly dry everything is. It’s no wonder the fire hazard here is so high. It’s amazing that anything can survive as long as it does without water. I realized a couple days after my arrival that I am in a low-income Latin American neighborhood which I found surprising since the house is located within a couple miles of the Sonoma town square with its opulent shops, restaurants and wineries. It is a humbling experience, but it’s good for me to see this side of life as I take my evening walks. It reminds me how very fortunate I am to have choices about my lifestyle. Surrounding the neighborhood are vast areas of vineyards. Some houses actually have grapevines for lawns. The juxtaposition of the beautiful vineyards with the haphazard housing for the locals is a bit mind-boggling to me. I’m guessing that many of these locals are the people who work in the vineyards. I wonder how they must feel about it.

I am here for another week. This week’s big events for me will be attending the weekly Sonoma farmer’s market which I understand is like a mini-festival and I’m doing a private wine tasting at Basswood Estate later in the week. Then, it’s back to Nevada where I’ll be staying in my recent hometown of Incline Village. I am looking forward to my return visit there.

The last two weeks in Minnesota were sad as I said goodbye to so much of my life. I realized that I can go home but home doesn’t stay the same. The home I knew is only in my mind now. Friends and loved ones are gone, places have closed, the environment has grown and changed. Some things look the same but yet felt empty. I wonder how much of this is due to the effects of COVID.

I spent time with “old” friends and visited my old neighborhoods hoping to recapture what once was. Then, there were the memorial “services” for Harry and Christopher. Both events were lovely and special — fitting for each of them. Andre and Brittney spent a week with me in northern Minnesota and Canada to release Harry in his favorite places. It was a beautiful experience. He is free now and perhaps we are, too. Christopher’s family hosted a special event at the Minneapolis Institute of Arts which was a tribute to his life and work. Yet another peaceful and loving release. Here is a link to Christopher and his life’s work: https://edwardcurtis.com/christopher-cardozo/.

The question I kept asking myself is could I live there once again. At first it was an emphatic no because if felt too painful. Gradually, I could remember the reasons to live in Minnesota — the lakes, all the nature at one’s fingertips and just the general quality of life. I still don’t know if I could resettle permanently there but it will stay on the list as a contender. I do, at least, want to make an annual pilgrimage in remembrance of all that I had there. I am so grateful for what Minnesota contributed to my life, to my being.

Now, I’m visiting family in eastern Wisconsin. For how long, I’m not sure but more on that later.

I was completely unprepared for the magnitude of emotions that have hit me while being in my hometown. During the past three months of my journey, I had not felt lonely until this past week.

I took an early morning walk today around one of the local city lakes taking in all the sights and sounds — mating sturgeons, mama ducks with tiny ducklings foraging for breakfast, the variety of birds fluttering everywhere happily chirping, the smell of the freshwater lake. I thought my eyes were watering from the freshly cut grass, but realized they were tears rolling down my face and my heart ached. The emptiness and sadness in my heart is so profound at times it feels like my heart will stop. Even with all its beauty, this does not feel like home anymore, at least not the way it was with Harry and Christopher here. I mourn three lives lost — both of theirs and mine with each of them. I have come to find that memories are a double-edged sword of comfort and sadness.

Is that why I felt compelled to come back here, to grieve? To make it a reality in my mind that they are truly gone and there is no going back? Could I really expect to have a life here again with all the memories? As much as I love it here, it is too painful; at least, for now.

On a brighter note, I am enjoying the beauty of MN in June, one of the best months to be here. Everything is so lush, green and alive and the humidity is tolerable. My apartment is on the second floor of a vintage Early American house with my bedroom, literally, in the trees. It’s like sleeping in a tree house — I love it! I will say though, it’s challenging to sleep past 4am because of the cacophony of birds chirping from their tree houses, oh my. There is one special little goldfinch, that I know is Christopher’s messenger, who visits me every morning fluttering its wings while tapping on my window with its beak wanting to be let in. It is not afraid of me when I go to the window to talk to it. Christopher had an unusual affinity with birds and goldfinches were one of his favorites. It’s fascinating how this one little bird provides some solace.

Andre and Brittney arrive today. I am excited to spend a week with them on the MN North Shore and Lake of the Woods, Canada. Stay tuned for that chapter…

I finally made it to Minneapolis. I’m fairly certain my bottom is several inches wider and it’s not just because of the junk food! I thought yesterday’s drive across Nebraska was going to feel long, but today, Iowa felt much bigger than Nebraska. What is it about driving that is so exhausting? I’m hoping this is like childbirth in that I’m going to forget the pain by the time I have to drive back to Nevada.

All kidding aside, it was a beautiful ride. The other day, I drove right through the Rocky Mountains, ascending to over 10,000 feet and there was still snow. Yesterday, crossing the fresh, green plains of Nebraska, the fields were full of cattle with their calves and horses with their foals; and, today Iowa, well Iowa is Iowa. I feel nostalgic being back in Minnesota. I’m staying in a neighborhood I love and it is being home again. Bittersweet because two important people I loved are no longer here, but their ashes are. I brought them home.

What is “home” anyways? Is it a place, is it a thing, is it someone, is it the memories we have? Minneapolis will always be “home” for me, but do I want to live here? Can we ever really go back home? I’m hoping the next 6 weeks will help me answer that question. I can tell you that if I could rent the apartment I’m in right now permanently, I’d be quite tempted.

I love a good trip. Today, I drove from San Diego to Green River, UT (just short of Salt Lake City) — 12 hours on the road with pit stops. I’m in awe of the planet we live on. The scenery was beyond imagination, from the ocean to the Mojave desert with its Joshua trees, to the sculpted canyons of Arizona, to the majestic, colorful mountains and plains of Utah — eye candy for my soul. All natural wonders that put my existence in perspective. I am a mere tiny, working ant on this magnificent planet. We humans think we are so powerful, but it’s nothing compared to what Mother Nature can do.

I’m not sure what it is about being on the open road that I enjoy so much. One thing is that being on a road trip gives me a license to eat junk food. For instance, I had to get gas and breakfast — a bag of peanuts (protein) and mini-donuts (carb). Then, a quick lunch — McDonald’s. Dinner –Mexican food truck.

The other thing I like about being on a road trip, is that I’m disconnected from my computer. I’m usually looking at a computer screen 8-10 hours a day responding to everyone else’s needs all day long and “in my head” all the time. It’s refreshing to be doing something that requires a different kind of concentration (like keeping the car on the road), having time all to myself and “being in my body”. This gives me lots of quiet time to reflect and ideate while absorbing all the spectacular scenery. When I’ve had enough of that, I can call friends; or, listen to the radio and SING. What a busy day, LoL!

I think the significance of this particular road trip is re-affirming my independence and overcoming fears. I’m about a third of the way to my hometown destination of Minneapolis. It was daunting to think of making this long of a trek on my own without worrying about what could possibly go wrong. But, here I am. I had an awesome day. I felt myself bursting with joy seeing all the beauty surrounding me and feeling liberated. I can do this!

Where would I be without my friends and family to keep me company while I’m on this journey? I’d be terribly lonely! This past week I had quite the active social life and was reminded how wonderful it is to spend time with friends, old and new, in a myriad of ways. It’s so heartwarming to share stories and laughs with those I feel close to. This past week, I was fortunate to be able to spend in-person time with several friends who live in the San Diego area. What a treat! But, I don’t discount the texts and phone calls I receive from my mom, my Tia and others. Technology is such a gift from the standpoint of being able to stay connected to the people we really care about. I feel so blessed and grateful knowing I have many people out there in my corner.

Being “on the road” as I am, days/weeks go by without my having an actual intimate conversation with anyone. I have plenty of contact with people as part of my work day, but that’s not the same as sharing experiences and emotions with those who know me. I admit one of the harder challenges in this journey is not being anywhere long enough to form relationships. I’ve never been one to be comfortable simply having casual conversations. I feel that if I’m going to expend the energy to talk to someone, it should be meaningful — no superficial chitchat for this girl; hence, I can happily live a fairly solitary existence. And, the thing about silence is that I’m able to observe much more happening around me and hear my own thoughts.

This morning, I was up early, as usual, and went for a walk along the shore making my way to a sidewalk coffee shop and took the one and only table on the sidewalk (apparently, it was too early on a Sunday morning for most people). I sat there with my coffee and my lifelong best friend, my journal, and poured my heart out as I breathed in the fresh air and absorbed the sights and sounds. Time becomes non-existent and I am transported to my “happy place”. However, I am not a total recluse because I understand about myself that just being in proximity to other people makes me feel like I’m in the world even if I’m not talking to them. I do enjoy getting out of my apartment and experiencing what the world has to offer.

Speaking of silent companions, meet Teddy. I wrestled with whether I should bring him on the journey or stuff him in a storage box and decided I shouldn’t be completely alone on my journey. It’s a good thing he can’t complain about seating arrangements!

I actually find comfort in having Teddy with me. He can tolerate huge amounts of silence and he’s very low maintenance — no whining or talking back — and, he’s always there if I need a hug. What is it about a teddy bear that can lift one’s spirit? Perhaps it’s because he can touch the child inside of me simply by being there.